[sebbie]

Stop! Wait a Second! Can this all be? Part I

I have just told you all something that is really interesting and profound. What I have told you is not often mentioned out loud, at least I don’t think guys have the nerve to admit to making others aware of what is really going on inside them in this respect.

But first, let me back up a bit, to a calmer time when I was just growing up and just starting to grasp what it meant to be a guy. Truth is, I didn’t really understand the ramifications of what was going on with me down there in my groin area. A lot of stuff was still a mystery, except that I was gradually becoming aware of the fact that whatever was mysterious was mysterious in a way that made me feel good in a lot of strange and new ways. I am now aware that a lot of the guys around me must have also been having something similar happening to them too, but they wanted to avoid admitting that too, that sometimes things would get a little out of control. Stuff would happen. Stuff that in a curious way felt both strange but oddly profoundly interesting as well.

But here I was, not knowing quite what to make of it all. Somehow my mind got fixated on seeing guys clad only in a swim brief. Was this a gay thing of some sort that I had? At that point I probably didn’t even know what being a gay guy implied, and besides, at that stage in time, society deemed guys who were interested in other guys as being psychosexually abnormal. Certainly not a pleasant place for me to be growing up in the 1950s.

I admit that I was never fascinated with the female body in the ways that somehow seem to profoundly affect other guys. But wait! I have been friends with lots of guys who are clearly heterosexual. Also, a few of these have been in relationships with females that seem to go on indefinitely, most of these being the self-described happily marrieds. And I give them credit for that. I think I decided one day at age 12 or 13 that I wanted no part whatsoever of a life that I would find as confining and probably not sexually satisfying in the ways that seem to work for at least some of the married. Or perhaps this included the married and then divorced and remarried, to the point of having to number their ex-wives just to help remember them. That was deep stuff for a 13-year old to ponder.

Then too, I have been friends with many guys who seem to cycle in and out of relationships with women. A basic question I would have for all of these guys is if penis-vagina partner sex is all it’s cracked up to be then why wasn’t there enough psychosexual “glue” there to hold the relationship together? A guess these same guys wonder about me as well. Don’t I ever get the “urge” to ejaculate within a very confined space, and if so, how do I “cope” with this psychosexual predicament of not having a readily-available place to do so?

Besides, there is the gay thing. Some straight guys pretty much think that any guy who has remained single all his life must be gay. I have been fortunate in that regard as I have never been “labeled” as a gay guy, at least not openly to my knowledge. That has been helpful, career-wise. I do have male friends, several single male friends who also are guys secure enough in their own identities as to who they are that they don’t seem to have any concerns that the mere act of hanging out with me might somehow label them as gay.

For me, the gay male stuff quickly gets as complicated as the straight male stuff with women does. I lived through the 1980s when gay guys who engaged in sex involving the exchange of bodily fluids (aka oral or anal intercourse) meant that you were at increased risk for the deadly and life-ending HIV virus. I wanted no part of that. Besides, in my “warped” mind oral or anal sex was a gross as penis-vagina sex. Besides there was nothing sexually to be gained here that I couldn’t accomplish as well or on my own, in private, and be completely safe.

I suppose I could talk about how modern medicine has made HIV less of a death sentence, and more like just a serious but chronic disease. But I also think there have been profound ways in how gay guys think about sex. In the 1980s, it seemed to me that gay guys by definition were engaging in oral and anal exchange of bodily fluids, and further, if two guys were not doing that by definition they were not gay. Now, coming up on 40 years later, there is far greater acceptance among guys for engaging in sexually interesting activities that do not put anyone at risk.

I have described some profoundly interesting psychosexual situations involving Josh and Dylan in the privacy of their little two-man dorm room in part because I wanted to get my readers to thinking about what it means to be a gay guy or not, as well as push their own “buttons” for my readers with respect to thinking about what might be psychosexually interesting or not. I’m “messing” with how my readers think about all of the stuff related to being gay versus being straight and having psychosexual fun with another guy without engaging in anything that is considered risky or spread disease.

Then there is my own situation to explore in more depth as well. I don’t ever want to leave the impression that I am the least bit unhappy with respect to how all of this turned out for me. Indeed, I am profoundly happy. My life has been rewarding in all sorts of ways, both sexually as well as outside that realm as well.

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